I almost canceled the appointment.

I almost canceled the appointment.

I was coping with the new ways in which I was feeling ill. It came about in January. We thought it was the flu, so we waited to go to my primary care doctor (as that’s what most doctors at the time were suggesting with the flu like symptoms- wait it out, fluids and over the counter meds are just as good as a Z.Pack).

After 16 days my sanity and my body couldn’t take much more waiting it out.(We are now in early February) So into the DR we went. Always blood work, always test. But surprisingly enough. Not the flu, not a cold, no a stomach bug. Nothing my Dr could figure out. But my WBC (white blood cell) had risen again. Totally not the best news but I’m feeling sick so it made sense, kinda.

By the time we had the results showing my WBC my Primary care sent me to an Hemotologist/oncologist for more test to figure out

A. Why am I feeling sick and
B. Why is my WBC rising.

After three weeks in the waiting list for the Hemotologist I finally see this Dr. He is no stranger. I’ve known him for years as he has treated multiple members of my family with cancer.

…. Like I just can’t express how, freaked I was/am to be a patient of his now. I think my knee must have bounced a mile a minute. Sitting in that waiting room. You know the one. The one where your already in the back. It’s quiet. You can hear your own breathing and your just waiting for foot steps.

Then in comes the nurse. I know her also. I mean. I see her just as much as the doctor.

See this is the same office I bring my auntie.C to every week for chemo. She is terminal. Has been for the last year.
We lost her sister, my aunt Ann last October, my other aunt Ann the year before that, my great aunt Shug the year before that…. all to cancer in this office,

The list goes on and on.

I …SO… almost canceled the appointment.

And she opens up with “Well it looks like a kind of Leukemia.Not the kind that will kill you tomorrow…..” I think I kind of blacked out somewhere in this area. Like. Wait. Did she just say. Leukemia ?

I know she talked about the different types and how they manifested. That we would “do some more testing in the next 2-3 weeks. That it could also be something called a reactant. Which would be, like an unknown illness in my body. Making my WBC rise”

Then the Dr come a in. And honest to goodness, I remember him talking about yoga, my aunt C. And I would see him in three weeks.

… Uh… Yeah..

So I woke up the next day sick (the fucking whooping cough) and have been sick with that crud for just over the last two weeks. Which puts me going into week three right now. I’m trying to stay busy this week. But my mind keeps drifting to Friday when I will get to sit down with the doctor again.

Now I did go for more blood work last week and the nurse who took my blood said she didn’t see any mention of leukemia on the report she was looking at . So like, that does give me some kind of peace. Not enough though. I need the doctor to say it. but my WBC had risen again (having the whooping cough doesn’t help matters).

The day of the appointment I broke down once putting on my make up.  But pulled it together and quicker than I wanted, we were at the office and waiting in the back. And super speed the doc was in And saying those words.

… It’s not leukemia…

Just like that. All the air was shot out of my body. But that next breath was so full and deep. It was like the first full breath I had taken in weeks.

It probably was.

The appointment went on, what I should be  doing and what I shouldn’t regarding my health. Which is basically managing my chronic illnesses. Oh yeah and to stop smoking.


Our lives have slowly returned to a normal routine of not talking about leukemia. It still lurks in the back of my mind.